Kraft Mac and Cheese

 

Disclaimer: This is not actually me. I look much more manly and muscle-y.

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Mac and Cheese has come a long way. From being just spaghetti noodles with a little cheese on them, they are now a worldwide sensation. And I’m talking about Kraft Mac and Cheese. My personal favorite has to be the Spiderman shaped Mac and Cheese, but that’s just me. I can almost taste Peter Parker with every spoonful. And hey, it takes about 20 minutes to make. As long as you don’t burn the water, the possibilities are endless! Of course, there are many flavors of Mac and Cheese. There is cheesy, white cheddar, spirals, cheesy southwest chipotle, buffalo cheddar, and even…Garlic and Herb Alfredo. Nothing can even come close to how delectable the Original flavor is. However, i am a bit new to the multiple flavors concept. Buffalo Cheddar Mac and Cheese sounds very queer to me. Why…would anyone flavor noodles like…Buffalo sauce? It just doesn’t make logical sense. But in the snack world, this is a giant step. Snacks are so afraid of stepping out the safe lines of “noodles, cookies, and crackers”. People want variation and happiness, not lame and overdone snacks. Oreo is an amazing example of this process, with their Pumpkin Spice cookies and they’re Mint Chocolate Oreos. Who would even think of that for a cookie? It seems very far out and not thought out, but Oreo manages to pull it off with grace.

But I digress greatly. Kraft has some very weird flavors out their in the market, and so they are mostly overlooked by the Original flavor. I even went out of my way to buy these exotic flavors, which I will review individually later. But lets get down to the science of Kraft Mac and Cheese, the art and the physique. When you open the box, you find two things. A bunch of uncooked, hard noodles, and a packet of cheese flavoring. First off, do not ever consume that cheese directly. It is gross and tasteless on its own, and I tried it when I was little. It tastes like cheesy sawdust with bits of dust.

Anywho, your first step is to…boil water. If you can’t do this simple task, I do not think you are even ready to experience Mac and Cheese from Kraft. If you’re that helpless, go get some microwavable Ramen and get out of my face. Boiling water takes about 15 minutes, so it isn’t so bad. After that. pour all of the macaroni in. After that, let it sit for another 15 minutes. It’s very basic and easy, and so it is inherently difficult to screw up. After the macaroni looks like delicious squishy noodles, drain all of the water so you’re just left with white macaroni in a pot. Pour in a dash of  milk, a tablespoon of butter, and the cheese flavoring. Mix the [insert noun here] out of it, and you’ll be all done with your squishy noodle surprise. Eat up buddy, you deserved it after doing little to no work.

So this stuff is the bomb right? Doesn’t get better than this, now does it? It’s the best, the zenith, the top. We’ve eaten the best, it’s Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for crying out loud.

BUT…

We haven’t tried the exclusive flavors. Flavors only found in select shopping marts, flavors that you have to travel the world for. You know that scene in Indiana Jones’ Temple of Doom where he tried to steal the gold artifact? It was actually one of the exotic flavors of Kraft Mac and Cheese. I’m not even kidding with you right now. I actually managed to get my hands on about two of them, and I’ll go over the ups and downs of all flavors.

 

Buffalo Cheddar

I had to travel the depths of the ocean for this one. I just couldn’t stay away. Buffalo Chicken Wings are basically my jam, and i just can’t even conceive the thought of them being combined with my favorite macaroni snack. It sounds like it’d be an explosion in my mouth. So as I prepared this dangerous meal, I found myself covered in an aroma that was much different than the cheesy smell I’m accustomed to. The smell of Buffalo and seasoning wrapped me in a tight embrace, and never let go. Nonetheless, I finished cooking it and poured all of the goodness into a bowl. I took a deep breath, and took a big bite. The first wave of taste was odd, for it didn’t taste like buffalo chicken wings to me. The flavoring was spread apart, so I found myself tasting plain noodles more than anything. It wasn’t as delicious as I once thought, it was quite underwhelming. I mean, I still enjoyed the meal, do not get me wrong. But it is nothing compared to the Original flavor.

 

Cheesy Southwest Chipotle

Okay Kraft, c’mon. Really? Southwest Chipotle? I don’t even know what I’m expecting to taste at this point, it doesn’t convey to me why i want this flavor of Mac and Cheese. What does Southwest Chipotle taste like? Whatever, let’s just move on with the bulk of this review. I started to pour flavoring in, and it started to smell like mayonnaise and vinegar. Not a very attractive taste. Anywho, i poured the Mac and Cheese all into a bowl and supplied myself with a fork. I took my first ambitious bite, and felt an odd sensation overtake me. It felt like…a weird mayonnaise saucy noodle…thing. It was not enjoyable to me at any point, and I even took the time to throw out the rest. I just could not deal with the Cheesy Southwest Chipotle flavor of Mac and Cheese.

 

So there we have it. The adventure we know as Mac and Cheese.  The Original Flavor will always beat out any flavor, and it is incredibly  easy to make. Just make sure you don’t burn the water, and you’ll be rewarded with a cheesy heaven made of noodles.

Cheetos

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Sometimes there are those days in life where you just want to snack and be dirty about it. No, not dirty in the biblical sense, I mean dirty as in messy, not clean, and gross context even. There is a group of people who just hate to be so tedious about snack foods and hate how clean they are. They see it as a barrier, that snacks hold themselves back when they try to be neat and organized. For example, Klondike Bars are among the top tier ice cream sandwiches in the snack world. But their one draw back is when you hold the sandwich in your hand, the chocolate melts onto your hand. Even when you bite into it, ice cream can drip out and cover your new pair of khakis. No one wants a pair of khakis with ice cream dripped all over it, you look like a  fool. However, this experience is a delight to some people, and so they prefer the messy snack experience, claiming that it “feels more delicious”, even though a flavor can’t feel…

But I digress. This very topic brings us to the front porch of Cheetos! That deranged Cheetah Cat on the front of each package haunts me today. It seems that he even wears those shades when he’s inside a building, which just makes him look like a tool. Cheetos, at its core, is just a rice puff dipped in an enormous vat of powdered cheddar cheese, and is a snack that forces you to lick your fingers. Cheetos has it’s ups and downs of course. Ups would include its taste. Cheese on a rice puff has never tasted so good, and this is where Cheetos gains its edge in the snack world. When you bite into a Cheeto, you get that loud crunch, and the flavor overwhelms your mouth with…cheese. I can’t put into words how much I love to just sit at home all day and just down a bag. They even have an extra puff variant, which almost triples the size of the Cheeto and makes you feel like you’re suffocating in cheese and flavor when you eat two at a time. And some people really like that.

As with almost every snack out there, however, it has it’s downsides. For one, you have to plan your day around this snack. For example, I can’t just suddenly decide to eat Cheetos before i go to a funeral, my hands would be full of cheese and grime. Every time i would shake hands with a relative they would look at me with disgust. Normally, you’d have to eat the Cheetos most quickly, and then run to the bathroom and wash your fingers of the gross cheddar cheese. In more extreme cases, you may want to lick your fingers clean, only if a water receptacle is not within arm’s reach.

Bottom line is, Cheetos is a very reliable, delicious, dirty snack. It’s sometimes a pain and time consumer to eat Cheetos, but who cares, you may as well sit yourself down and enjoy yourself once in a while.