Stax

Come back every Thursday for a new snackerview!

Man, has there even been a snack out there that doubled as a sweet arm-cannon when you finished them that made you look like a total bad*** as a kid? I always thought i looked like this lad when i wore the Pringles can on my arm:

And i also loved that mustached man on the front of every can of…

Wait..

These aren’t Pringles in my hand…

These are STAX! The phony impostor made by Lays to combat the mighty Pringles empire! I just…I can’t believe these are in my hands! How could they try to steal away the snack community with this…crap?
Okay lets calm down for a second guys. You all just got really fired up, but let me move on. I think I’m a bit too biased against this snack to review it fully, so allow me to bring in another guest to even the scale. Please welcome my first special guest, Ricardo Shinypoot!

Seth: Now, Mr. Shinypoot, you seem to be a respected figure in the snack community. What are your first impressions of this…abomination?

Ricardo: Abomination?! Oh that’s a load of grommet! Stax is the new and upcoming snack in the snack world, and snackologists like you just can’t handle the truth!

Seth: Excuse me? I’ve been in this snack game way before your grandmother was, so that’s a loaded statement. You mean to tell me this…this…phony has what it takes to replace Pringles?

Ricardo: Yeah, I do. You do know you haven’t renewed your Snackologist license in like 6 yea-

Seth: SO Ricardo, what makes Stax so special then?

Ricardo: Well Lays has been in the snacking game for so long, so it’s already behind a trusted brand that everyone knows and loves. They seem to be thicker than Pringles, and so that offers more chip per square inch if you do out the boring math. Our flavors cannot be beat, like our Spicy Buffalo and Adobobas! I don’t even know what that is!

Seth: Great, I’m glad you’re stuffing your face full of stuff you can’t identify. Stax doesn’t even have the gumption to use real flavors for crying out loud! They just come off as a snack hipster, trying to fit in but not be mainstream at the same time by coming up with hip, unheard of flavors!

Ricardo: Well surely you can take back that comment. That hurt me.

Seth: And just look at the packaging! Dear God, it’s mostly air in there! Much like another product of Lays…*cough*.

Ricardo:…You…win this round…but I’ll be back!

Seth: Get out of my face Shinypoot. You won’t embarass me again like you did in high school

 

So there you have it. Stax in all of it’s unholy glory. Please do not buy this snack, it is not worth the time it seems to promise. Pringles are better by virtually every standaard, and so i condemn Stax for their zealotry and what-not. See you next week folks, for another exciting Snackerview! Make sure to check back every so often for other snacking news!

Oreos

Oh God not these things. When I open a container of Oreo Cookies, I down those sleeves in less then a second. I’ll be taking handfuls of four and cramming them Into my mouth, and I feel no guilt or remorse for doing so. For those not aware, Oreo Cookies are basically two little chocolate cookies sandwiching a bit of creme. Nothing really special or outstanding, but they go oddly well with milk. Although they are great together, I still occasionally get war flashbacks to when I drop the whole Oreo cookie in my glass of milk, and its more than soggy when I take the cookie out, which in turn forever ruins the Oreo experience.
The only real general gripe I have with Oreo cookies is the amount of chocolate that covers your teeth. It feels grimy when I try to close my teeth, so I advise brushing your teeth afterwards so your mouth doesn’t look like a black tar pit. Other than that, Oreo cookies are pretty damn universal. You can eat them anywhere, whether its your bed, a boat, or under the table at dinner. There really isn’t an inherently bad time to eat these, and that’s what makes them so enjoyable.
Personally, the Mint Flavored Oreo Cookies are by far the best flavor. The creme is double stuffed, and I made an astounding discovery back in my heyday of snacking: They can double as Girl Scout Thin Mints when you refrigerate them! Those girl scouts charge you like a million bucks for those medallions, and it’s so refreshing that you can simulate them with just a box of Mint Oreo Cookies.
Oreo has been a strong competitor in the cookie business since the beginning of time, and the only time they blundered up is when they tried releasing a 25% less sugar variant of Oreos. Get that crap out of my face, no one wants that.

Goldfish

 

Come back every Thursday for a new snackerview!

I stumble out of bed, hungry and bothered. My legs are asleep as i fall into my kitchen, and hoist myself up to the pantry. I take out a blue and white bag lazily, and shove my fist into the crinkly bag of Goldfish. When i remove my fist from the bag, i find it grasping about 20 little fish crackers with smiles burned into their faces for all eternity. This is what makes Goldfish amazing even today. Produced by our very own Pepperidge Farms, Goldfish has been around for basically forever. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a picture of a family in the 1920’s sharing a bag of these crackers.

We all know what a Goldfish is by now, right? The little fish shaped cracker consisting of what you find in a saltine, just not as dry or salty. These things are loved universally, i have not found one human or animal that has denied a handful of these crackers. But, even the great have their flaws. Not that i particularly care myself, a whole bag consists of about 800 calories, and i can down three of these bags without even breaking a sweat. Anyone that cannot even eat 2 bags do not deserve the smiles of these snacks, and should give up snacking in general. You are on an adventure when eating this snack, and you cannot stop short at only 2 bags. But i digress, if you are one that watches your weight, i do not recommend buying this snack very often.

Goldfish comes in a variety of flavors. We have Original, Chedder, Flavor Blasted, Pretzel, Baby, Color, Salt and Vinegar, Children’s Tears, Explosions, and so on. We are going to review four of them today, just because these are the most popular ones out there.

Original:

Come on, how can i even say anything bad about the Original? This flavor may not be the first, but it certainly is…”original” flavored. Like an oyster cracker, you can pop these babies in one by one and not even twitch an eye. What’s more is that their lack of taste makes them automatically enjoyable and fun, much akin to the Potato Chip. Not too salty and not too dry, the Original flavor marks fairly high on my Goldfish meter.

Cheddar:

Everyone knows Cheddar. After all, Cheddar is basically the mascot of the Goldfish family. It’s the pillar, the foundation, the true original, its the impeccable Cheddar flavor! However, i notice a more concentrated salt flavor when eating this flavor. Although i am no stranger to the salty tastebud, it sometimes can become a little overwhelming because the cheese and salt almost fight each other in your mouth for dominance. Whether you taste cheddar or salt is totally up to luck, but that’s what risks are for right? Cheddar is one of the biggest flavors today, and still holds true to the Goldfish tradition.

Pretzel:

So, my question with this flavor is why wouldn’t i just eat a pretzel rod? Goldfish are so tiny, so why wouldn’t i just want a regular pretzel to munch on nowadays? I don’t want to stuff my face full of tiny pretzel, id rather just eat some rods instead. It’s a great idea, but this flavor just misses the mark with it’s shoddy presentation and inconvenience as there are better products for this. Goldfish, you’re better than this. We need flavors that we can only have with Goldfish. Don’t try to be lazy and just make a tiny pretzel. I will not stand for it!

Flavor Blasted:

As if regular Cheddar wasn’t enough. So much powder and salt is loaded onto these things i feel like ill get a heart attack if i eat only 5 at a time. Sure, more is better, we all know this fact. But it’s almost overwhelming. Some people really enjoy this excess of flavor, and it makes their mouths tingle. But doesn’t it become too saturated at one point? Too much flavor? I know this is a concept most snackologists just cannot bear to acknowledge, but it’s a growing problem in the snack industry.  Flavor Blasted is an enjoyable flavor, sure, but it just isn’t as lasting as the other flavors. It just falls short.

And sure, theres so many other flavors. But i don’t get paid enough for these reviews. In fact i never get paid. So we have these four flavors here. All of them different, but all the same. They are still the tiny snack that is forced to smile back.

The Most Outrageous Snacks, Courtesy of Paula Deen

So we have our regular snacks to munch on: Pringles, Twinkies, Chips, Munchkins, you name it. But sometimes people want to take it a step further by making recipes. That requires time and love! These are two qualities an average snacker or snacker-to-be just doesn’t have most of the time!

But, if you are one who does have those qualities, then you might make a snack based on a recipe. Though they come out delicious sometimes, you can also ruin it just as easily, and it will waste your money and time. TollHouse cookies are the most common snacks to produce in the kitchen. And its pretty hard to screw up. But what if you want to take it a step further? What if, you are a professional snackologist such as me, and you want to take it to the extreme? Paula Deen is your girl for this. She makes the most sugary, buttery, grossest snacks and meals out there. Ever wanted a Bacon Cheeseburger between two Krispy Kreme donuts? Look no further because Paula Deen has your back. This treat is called “The Lady’s Brunch Breakfast”, and it takes care of your snacking needs for at least a week. I think this one is a little out of my league. I do not think i could deal with the clashing flavors of glaze and meat. It just does not mix. Sugar and spice and everything nice aside; this snack just cannot pass my test this day.

Next up is Gorilla Bread. This loaf of fat is outlawed in the Planet of the Apes, and contains a full stick of butter just for the topping. It is made up of chocolate chips, brown sugar, and way too much butter. Eating this would make me feel like i am drowning in fat and butter. Sure, snacking needs to be enjoyable, i get that. But don’t just throw as much sugar and fat into a dish just to make it taste okay. Some things need less. Personally, cosmic brownies are all i need for an afternoon snack, not a stick of butter.

Halloween Candy: Why Kids Hate Toothbrushes

Halloween is one of the raddest fake-holidays out there. Right next to Columbus Day. Although parents tell you to never talk to strangers especially if they offer you indescribable candy, you are encouraged to walk up to them in poorly made costumes and ask for the things! It’s the most backwards thinking day in history.

Nevertheless, kids love candy. Most of them anyways. Parents make the fatal mistake of including certain candies and it really grinds the kid’s gears. Who in their right mind wants a toothbrush or any other hygiene product? I’ve even been given an apple. An Apple! What kind of monster would give these children that kind of grub? It takes forever to eat them, and plus the skin gets stuck in my teeth! 0/10.

For starters, kids love chocolate. All chocolate. Doesn’t matter what kind really. You can range from Reese’s, to Crunch, to Hershey, and all the way back to even Yodels. Those are always hits.

The more sugary Gummy Bears and Sour Patch Kids are also a delight, however the consistency, the amount per package, and taste of said sugary treats is overruled by other tasty snacks. Lollipops are also ruled out, since they are a chore to eat when you are just trying to stuff your gaping mouth with candy.

Some people do not realize that the point of this candy is to eat without stopping. Rip off a wrapper, chuck it in your mouth, and hooplah, sugar rush. There’s nothing else to it. But if a kid has to segment time to eat a lollipop or chew on gum, well that just is not acceptable by any right.

Remember, these kids need candy. Give them something they can enjoy and gain weight with. Not something that feels like a chore on a Sunday afternoon,

Kit Kats

Come Back every Thursday for a new Snackerview!

Oh the elusive Kit Kat. This baby is produced by Nestlé, also known for the also delicious Crunch bars. The Kit Kat is an odd treat. For those who have not been exposed to this snack, it is akin to it’s Hershey Bar brethren in that it is composed mainly of chocolate. Inside that chocolate are three separate wafers, which all are equally crunchy as they are delicious. One bar is about 2 inches and is called a “finger”. There are 2 fingers per package, and can consist of 4 or 8 fingers in bigger packages.

I found this snack out at an early age of about 7 or 8. It was a clear, chilly night on Halloween. I was stuck in my poorly done costume of the Grim Reaper. As i approached the unknown house, an adult came out the front door and shoved a fistful of candy into my bag. I noticed a large amount of red on the wrappers as the candy fell into my pillow case. As i returned from my candy adventure, i opened my pillow case. Nestled next to the toothbrush and Dum-dum was a large quantity of a candy called “Kit-Kat”. I quickly opened the packaging and ripped off a finger, almost instinctively. The snap that sounded as i broke off a finger was more than satisfying, and it sent me a sense of odd content. Anyways, i took my first bite. The consistency and chocolate content was out of this world. The wafers made a soft crunch as my undeveloped teeth sank into them. I could still enjoy the aftertaste even when i was done with the Kit Kat. Forever would i fall in love with this amazing treat.

Kit Kats still hold up amazingly today. If you offer any person a Kit Kat, they will grab them from your hands before you can even mutter a word. They’re even widely accepted in social events, especially if the age group is younger than 30. Kit Kats can even be eaten by the handful, and each one tastes special in its own right. They never seem to grow old or stale, and will continue to be a national favorite well into the decade.

For Those with Snack Troubles…

The main goal here is to help your daily life by informing you on the best and worst of the snacking culture. I, for one, have a PhD in the study and research of various snacks around the world.  For example, If you are hosting a party at your house, what do you get? Pirates Booty or Munchkins? Neither, because both are too addicting and do not leave a lasting impression on your guests. I would personally suggest Ring-Dings or Pizza flavored Pringles.

If you need a little more snacking in your life, look no further for I, Seth, will qualm your overwhelming fear for making indecisive and dangerous snack choices!